Wondering how you can celebrate America’s birthday this weekend? Not a “sparklers in the backyard” celebration. I mean a full on handlebar-mustache-sporting, cow-eating, national-debt-having, SUV-driving, beer-gut rocking, country-singing America-thon. If you’re looking for that type of 4th of July, then I’ve got you covered.
It isn’t hard to make your 4th of July ridiculously perfect. If you’re in America right now, then you’re already halfway there. Obviously, you absolutely love America. Who doesn’t? Now all you have to do is show how much. Follow these simple steps, and you’re destined to have the most American 4th of July since 1776.
1. Find water.
It’s summer, and even up here in Michigan it’s hot. You need to find a way to be by the water. Water is relaxing, it’s refreshing, and (unlike many places) it’s safe to drink. Chalk one up for America.
Plus, if you’re outside, your fat body is going to be drenched in sweat. I know from experience. It’s weird when you’re just standing there pouring water like Niagara Falls (the American Niagara, not that Canadian wannabe). It’s better to jump in the pool or lake with 50 friends, acquaintances, and total strangers so you can all drip that McFatty sweat into the water together.
2. Relentlessly fill your stomach.
This may be the only country on Earth where it’s cheap to be fat and expensive to stay thin. If that’s not worth celebrating, I don’t know what is. We have so much food that even our homeless people have weight problems.
When Christopher Columbus found this paradise and gave all the Native Americans smallpox, it was a land of plenty. Good news – nothing’s changed. You owe it to yourself to continuously eat processed meat and drink full-flavored lagers until you either pop or pass out, whichever comes second.
Double up that burger, double fist those beers, and double the size of that elastic waistband. Time to clock in for some holiday feasting.
3. Wear America.
These colors don’t run! … Unless they’re winning Olympic gold, of course. Deck yourself out in America if you know what’s good for you. Don your finest rage-tanks, bandanas, shorts, and t-shirts, or just drape yourself in the stars and stripes toga style. It’s all fair game when you look America-good. Will Ferrell knows what I’m talking about:
(Sorry about the quality, but it had to be this video)
4. Talk the talk.
Go ahead, we’ve already walked it. You’ve got to be proud of everything that makes America, America. If you don’t believe the USA is the best at everything then you’re some sort of Russian, and you can leave. We’re even the best at having a warped sense of self-importance.
In our defense, we have a lot to brag about. We invented Thanksgiving, we turned 13 colonies into 50 states, we invented baseball, our telephone country code is #1, we outlawed booze and drank more than ever, we created the airplane AND the space plane, we invented the Backstreet Boys, we’re back-to-back World War champs, and we’ve remained undefeated since 1776.
So, tell the European girl you know from college that whatever Soviet breakaway she’s from can shove it, because we’re the best there is – at everything.
5. Get sunburned.
We concluded as a country, that for the most part, inside is way better than outside. That’s why we took over the world, so we could have desk jobs and literally stay sitting until we die. But since we don’t have a lot of outside experience, our skin is sensitive to sun exposure. Therefore, we’re bound to get burned. But that’s ok; red is one of America’s colors. That means all you have to wear is blue and white. So, leave the sunscreen at home. You aren’t afraid to peel for the Stars and Stripes.
6. Blow things up.
After you’ve sufficiently been soaked in human-sweat-water, ate until you’re uncomfortable, dressed your best, bragged about the USA, and been burnt to a crisp, you’re ready for the grand finale of the perfect 4th of July.
Making stuff explode.
A box of firecrackers won’t do. If it isn’t made by Halliburton, it isn’t good enough. If your personal fireworks show doesn’t put you in serious physical harm, then you’re too far away. Explosions are better up close. Trust me. You’ll know you’re successful when your retinas have been completely barbecued out of your skull. Don’t worry, you’ll be wearing flip-flops, a Budweiser tank top, and an American flag as a kilt. You’re all good.
And as you stare up at the night sky full of bursting light, eyebrows singed, belly bulging, skin fried, body meat-sweating, and heart filled with pride, you’ll know you live in greatest place in the universe – and you dare any hyper-advanced alien species to say otherwise.
Have a happy 4th of July, everyone. Go America!
By Drew Curi
Copywriter + True American
