Well, it’s here. Labor Day, the sad weekend that many mark as the last hurrah of summer. While the weather might stay nice into September, it still feels like the fun is over. You won’t have another long weekend until Thanksgiving, and that’s why you need to go out in style.
Here are 6 tips to having the best Labor Day ever.
1. Don’t Work at All
If you have to work, stop reading this now. You already lost. Call in sick and be like the rest of us, you overachiever.
A true Labor Dayer only works on his/her tan, buzz, and gut. Anything else disrespects this day that we all worked so hard not to work on. You’re not disrespectful, are you? Do you how know many meat packing workers in the 1800s died so that you could have this day off? Me neither. But I bet one at least pulled a hammy, and they pulled it for you.
This break from work also includes a ban on housework. You made it this long without that shelf put up; you can make it a little longer. The lawn is just going to grow back, so cut it later. That toilet is gross anyway – clean it tomorrow, put the lid down. This Labor Day weekend, turn that Honey-Do List into a Honey-Do-Not-Give-Me-A-List-Of-Crap-To-Do-On-A-High-Holiday List. You might end up divorced, but you’ll have a hell of weekend. This ain’t relationship advice.
2. Stay Up Late on Sunday
You never get to do this, so take advantage. Start a movie at 11pm, go to the bar, sit around a bonfire, or any other activity that keeps you up late into the night. This is your bonus time. Use it well. Your basic rule of thumb for your Sunday night festivities should be “When the sun comes up, I’ll go down.”
I know what you’re thinking. You’re old as dirt and you want to go to bed at 9:45 so you feel refreshed to tackle the day. Well, that’s just dumb. I’m sure you were fun once. Recapture your youth for one day. That still gives you 364 days to turn in early so you can get up for Denny’s Early Bird breakfast at chat about the Big War with senile Earl.
3. Wear All White
It may not be your wedding day, but that doesn’t mean you can’y look as pure as freshly fallen snow. If you subscribe to the basic laws of fashion, then you know wearing white after Labor Day is downright unacceptable. So you need to go all out and give white a proper farewell for the year. Wear it like you’re a Backstreet Boy in 1999. Wear it like you’re a rapper at an awards show. Wear it like you’re not going to spill stuff all over it.
If you still want to wear white after this weekend, I guess that’s ok. I’m not here to stop you from looking like a total loser. But if you want to look on fleek like me, you’ll take this advice seriously.
4. Remind Kids That School is Starting
While Labor Day is only the unofficial end of summer for us adults, it’s the real deal for kids. After this long weekend, school is here. Oh no! School! Say it ain’t so! Hanging out with my friends for six hours straight sounds horrible. Why would I ever miss that?
Now you may never admit this to anyone (you may never even admit it to yourself), but seeing kids get sad and cry over silly stuff is hilarious. Make sure you take every opportunity to remind children that summer is over and the horrible torture that is the 3rd Grade is about to begin.
If you really want a good reaction, be specific. Remind them that instead of playing video games until their eyes bleed, they’ll have to read boring novels about people in England. Offer to help them get ready for this year’s math class, but instead, give them some calculus problems and watch their minds melt. Prepare them for the mental anguish of dissecting a human body in science class. Basically, mess with them until they cry. Sounds mean … because it kind of is.
5. Grill Meat
I know you’re going to be busy doing as little as possible, but you have to survive. And there is no better way to survive than grilled meat. We’ve talked about this in the Revelry blog before, but it seems to be an essential element to a good time. You can’t sustain three nights of drinking without body-builder levels of protein being consumed at a superhuman pace.
Whatever you’re grilling, I’m sure it will be great, if you’re looking for a cooking tip, my only advice is this: wrap it in bacon.
Oh, and you can go ahead and forget the sides. We don’t care. Everyone knows that potato salad is store bought, Sharon; you’re not fooling anybody. If it doesn’t hold my meat, enhance the flavor of my meat, or melt over top of my meat, then I don’t want to see it on my leftover 4th-of-July-themed plate.
6. Try to Remember What We’re Celebrating
Try is the key word here. I’m not sure if anyone really knows why we’re celebrating. But it’s a day off, so who cares, right?
Here’s my rough idea of what this holiday is about.
All these factory worker people in the 1880s were miserable and dying of dysentery. Somehow unions got involved, and I think Grover Cleveland made a brief appearance. In the end, it was decided that if we get this day off, we won’t go insane and be caught in an unbreakable cycle of depression.
So remember Grover Cleveland’s union workers or something this Labor Day, and remember – you earned this.
By Drew Curi
Copywriter + Desk Laborer
