How to Cover Up That Not-So-Beach Body

Summer is finally here. That means beaches, boats, and barbecues. It also means a lot of bathing suits, shorts, and other revealing clothing. There’s an old saying: “Beach bodies aren’t building in the summer.” Since you spent all winter eating bacon and dipping stuff in ranch, you’re probably not as ready for beach season as you’d like to be.

Lucky for you, I have a great deal of experience in this area. I’ve got you covered.

The first thing to remember is that having a not-so-beach body is very normal. It’s a condition commonly referred to as “Being American.” The reality is that summertime brings out all those weirdos who “work out for fun,” “care about their health,” and “actually like kale.” So while it may feel like you’re surrounded by a bunch of 6-packs you can’t drink, you’re just witnessing a club meeting for every pilates princess and bench press bro within 30 miles.

Even so, you don’t want to stick out like a fat, sore thumb. Here’s what you can do to cover up that not-so-beach body.  

Lose weight

HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA I’m kidding – that’s ridiculous. Moving on.

Go sleeveless

You can’t just wear a normal t-shirt on the beach. Everyone will be all like, “Why are you wearing a t-shirt? Did you come here straight from a meeting?” That makes people take undue notice of you.

Hiding the not-so-beach body is all about blending in, and the sleeveless shirt is the perfect tool. For some reason, cutting off the 5-8 inches between the shoulder and upper arm makes fit people think you’re suddenly going to be 20 degrees cooler. To me, it just exposes more skin to get burned, but whatever – this article isn’t about skin cancer.

The point is, sleeveless shirts are way less revealing than a tank top while still being an accepted form of beach wear. It’s the Hannah Montana of clothing (click here to understand that reference). You show up wearing a sleeveless, never take it off, and no one is the wiser.

To really make the sleeveless look pop, work out your arms – and only your arms – for a month. This’ll really throw off the skinny people.

Carry stuff

Carrying stuff sounds awful, so why would you want to do that? I’m glad you asked. Carrying stuff like coolers, beach toys, life jackets, towels, and other summertime objects creates a visual barrier between your not-so-beach body and the rest of humanity.

To the human eye, when a person holds an object, the two become merged, effectively changing the perceived shape of that person. While I don’t know if that’s true, I do know that holding a cooler full of beer in front of your gut hides it pretty well. It also stations you right next to the beer, which is the real reason you came anyway.

Ankle-deep, chest-high

If peer pressure somehow forces you into the water, make sure you know your depth. You don’t want to get caught standing knee deep while the rest of your-not-so-beach body flaps in the wind. Use your environment to keep yourself covered. Only agree to go in the water under one of these two conditions:

  1. The water is shallow enough to keep your sleeveless on.
  2. It’s deep enough to submerge yourself up to your neck.

In other words: ankle-deep or chest-high. Everything in between is unacceptable.

Wear all black

Black is scientifically proven to be the most slimming color. So you better be wearing black head to toe to lose 30lbs in an instant.

There are a couple drawbacks to wearing a lot of black. It’s widely considered the most gothic/emo color out there. You may get some questions about that. Just respond with how much you hate existence and you’ll be fine. Black also attracts the sun. I’m not going to lie – you’ll bake like a cake. There will be sweat pouring from places you didn’t know could sweat.

But think how slim you’ll look …

Don’t care

While all of these are great ways to divert attention from your not-so-beach body, there’s only one way to really cure the beach body blues.

Stop caring. Seriously, who cares? So you eat, drink, and carry some of it around with you. That just means you’re living life. Trust me, you’re having way more fun than those fitness freaks who spend all day starving themselves and lifting metal plates.

I say pop off that shirt/cover up, splash around in the water, and show the world you’re hot as hell just the way you are.

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